James 4. 1-10: Conflict management

Introduction: James has been writing to his Christian friends about practical discipleship; he wants to see them becoming more like Jesus and making disciples.  He deals with the kind of practical things that can make the difference: things like favouritism, taming the tongue, wisdom - and dealing with conflict.

"Pregnant Woman" by
Ken Hammond (USDept ofAgriculture)
Image in Public Domain

Now conflict is going to happen. It is unavoidable.  There will always be tensions between different ages, different cultures, and different hopes and needs represented among us. There is an ongoing tension between the needs of the church community and the needs of a lost world.  Conflict, tension, that feeling of being stretched (that Anne was talking about last week) is inevitable in the real world. Indeed it is both a sign of health and a prerequisite for achievement.  Pregnancy stretches a mum's body, puts her resources under stress - but is actually a state of health not a state of illness. If you have ever tried stringing a bow and firing an arrow, you know that there is huge tension in that bow.  But that stress is what provides the momentum for the arrow to fly.   So we need to accept the reality of difference and tension.

But how do we manage conflict? How do we prevent the creative tension we all experience, from becoming a toxic thing, a fight, a quarrel?  James gives us some answers as he addresses this subject head-on:

1. Get to the roots.  What causes fights? James asks.  Then he answers, giving a simple, powerful analysis... three things that cause fights...
a. Frustrated desires. Simply put, you can't get what you want. Unpleasant fights are always, always caused by frustrated desires. Someone wants, maybe feel they need, something.  But it's not happening.  So they become angry. Blocked goals, says Neil Anderson, cause rage. He illustrates by telling of a Saturday when he planned to cook a special breakfast for his family. But one of his kids came in and took down a box of cereal and a bowl. Dad says "Hey Karl, we're having a special breakfast today: I'm cooking muffins for everyone.  Karl says, "I don't like muffins. I want cereal."  It becomes a big argument. Why? Because Dad's goal was to have a family breakfast, and Karl blocked that goal. Goals can be good: you want the ministry you are involved in to grow and prosper. We want our Church premises to be warm, welcoming - and paid for. Good goals.  So recognising that you have goals that are being blocked, is part of the solution. You may need to consider whether your goals are valid or purely selfish...

b. Unbelief.  James says, "You don't have, because you don't ask." (v2b) Part of what causes anger, is the underlying feeling that if our goals are good, (and some of them are!) we have to achieve them ourselves.  It's all down to us! And if it's all down to us we will fight to ensure these goals don't get blocked. It is basically about unbelief. There may be certain things, around our goals and desires, that our Heavenly Father just wants to pour out upon us, in his generosity and his love. But we don't ask.

c. Wrong motives.  You don't have what you pray for because you pray to spend it on your own desires (v3). Sometimes our desires are frustrated because they're just not right.  We're praying all right, but only because we can see how we benefit from getting the prayer answered.

2. Dealing with our hearts.  I was at college with Steve Chalke, and Steve liked to play table tennis. Steve's friend Bruce was very competitive, and was probably a better player than Steve. Once they were playing when Steve lost a point and Bruce was laughing.  Then almost immediately Bruce lost a point and Steve was laughing, and said "You ought to suss out your own game first, mate."   In dealing with other people we need to suss out our own game first. When there are tensions and we want to say the other party is stepping out of line, "suss out your own game first."  We need to deal with our own hearts...  nad that means....

London_Met_Police_riot_gear
by Hozinja
Image in Public Domain   

a. Choose your priorities. (Verses 4-5) James says "you adulterous people".  The literally meaning of the word is actually "adulteresses".  Now James isn't talking merely someone having an affair; and he's not just singling out the women. He's thinking of Hosea, the prophet whose marriage was an acted parable: eh was told to marry a prostitute, called Gomer. But Gomer kept returngin to her old wawy of lfie. Hosea;s message was that when God's people go to worship idols it is unfaithfulness like a married woman becoming a prostitute.  We need to ensure that none of our goals become so important they take the place of God himself. Because when it does it becomes an idol, a rival husband - and our God is a jealous God.  We thought about what happens when good goals become blocked goals. It's the world's way to pursue personal goals and to fight for them. But friendship with the world - doing things the world's way - equals a fall-out with God.

b. Resist the devil. (Verse 7)  Here is a simple little principle. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. It applies in all sorts of situations. But in particular it applies when the devil is trying to get a hold of your thoughts and to disable your witness.  Now listen, the devil loves to dress up as an angel of light.  He doesn't come to tempt us by putting on his black cloak, sharpening up his horns, picking up his pitchfork, and saying "Hey, you shouldn't be spoken to like that. You go and put that person in their place. You've been treated really badly and have every right to feel worry for yourself."  No! What he does is sow the ideas in our minds, but he lets us think they are our ideas. So, we find ourselves saying, "Hey, I shouldn't be spoken to like that. I'm going to go and give as good as I got. I've been really badly treated; I feel so sorry for myself."   When those thoughts arrive in your head, they are from the enemy. Resist him, and he will scarper. Leslie Mitton says we must NOT treat the enemy "with timid and misguided courtesy, nor yet with neutral indifference, but with determined defiance." Bill Johnson says "I cannot afford to have one thought in my head about myself, that is not in Jesus' mind."  Wrong thoughts, enemy thoughts, self-pitying, critical angry thoughts, are to be resisted - and they will go. They don't need to be in control.

c. Submit to God. (Verses 7-10)This involves... Intimacy: getting close to God, joining ourselves to him, looking for him. (another of these big principles, but it applies in this situation.)  It involves holiness - which isn't about making ourselves good enough for God but rather, letting him clean us up. It involves repentance: being really sorry, mourning, crying, about the rubbish in our lives.  It involves taking the lowest place in God's presence. When we come in absolute dependence, sorrow for our sin, and recognition that we really haven't got much to offer, God lifts us up.  It's when we are submitted to God that we are safe in relationships.

3. Guard your speech (Verses 11-12)
And one last practical thing. James says, "Don't speak evil of each other or judge each other."   The word James uses is to talk someone down. To belittle them and speak contemptuously of them; to slander them.  Whether it is behind someone's back, or face-to-face, if we talk someone down, we're setting ourselves above God's law itself.  People I the North of England have their own way of expressing things: Years ago I visited a shop in Pickering, Yorkshire with a sign over the low door, that said "Duck or Grouse!"  But it was in Lancashire that I saw a sign that says "Mud slung is ground lost."  And it's true. Always. When we insult other people, or slander them, or threaten them, or stand in judgment over them, we raise the stakes in a conflict and make it so much harder to mend.  In our speech, we need to avoid like snake venom anything that will rack up the level of conflict.

Conclusion. So let's guard our speech. Let's understand the roots of conflict - blocked goals, unbelief and selfish motives. And let's deal with our own hearts first of all.

© Gilmour Lilly March 2012